My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
You Might Also Like
It do be feeling this way.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
i hope my email finds you on fire
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.