Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
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[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Ah..makes sense now
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend