I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
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I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Need this in my life lol
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Before crowbars crows drank alone