gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
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A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Canadian owl: Eh?
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
When the stylist spins you back around
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know