I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
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Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I