Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
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Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on