Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
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[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Clients after you give them your rates
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾