Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
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All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.