Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
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ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.