You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
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Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Thoughts
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.