If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
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“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Somewhere in an alternate universe
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
This guy gets it.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.