Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
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Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I needed a laugh this morning.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”