[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
You Might Also Like
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.