Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
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Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
We like the way Dwight thinks
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
TRAIN’S HERE
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up