Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
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Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks