I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
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I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.