If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
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My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
i think both sides are to blame here
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.