I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
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If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet