Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
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You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Why does laundry happen to good people?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Doormats are a gateway rug.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
choose your fighter
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”