[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
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My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
called in thicc to work this morning
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car