*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
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Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws