A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
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i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .