Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
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God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
gentlemen, hear me out
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.