3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
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[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
That de-escalated quickly
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.