Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
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concern
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
🙁
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*