[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
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I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people