[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
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People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t