Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
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I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Awesome parenting 😂
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.