*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
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It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?