I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
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Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Yep.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.