I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
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Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?