Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
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I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E