Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
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Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Dear Lord..
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form