Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
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[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I just love that new Pope smell.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that