Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
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“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.