“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
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Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”