[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
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I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.