Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
You Might Also Like
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Meow?
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
This one’s “Alex”.