Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
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guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Mornin
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.