hear me out : pockets for your socks
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I know karate and tons of other words.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.