Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
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If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.