IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
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wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.