I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
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ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
road rage
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?