If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
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Every BBC series about the universe.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.