That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
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Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.