I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
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2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ