I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
You Might Also Like
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master