This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
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HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.