Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
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I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon