My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
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“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
pizza
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
pls suprot
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
wtf is a larm clock?
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.